It was a cold, clear day in Salem, Oregon.  I sashayed down the stairs in my typical taffeta real estate attire ready to sell houses that day.  I popped down the top of my dark red convertible because as you know all real estate agents have one in the rainy Pacific Northwest.  The wind and rain droplets whipping at my hair left me undeterred even as  the “drowned rat look” overtook me.  The 80′s were on my side and Aqua-net was in my glove compartment.  I was armed and ready for good big hair.      Whizzing around the corner turns in the south Salem hills while jamming to iTunes, I was deeply aware that I looked cool.

I pulled up to the house, not even slightly frazzled at being 15 minutes late.  My clients know that being “fashionably late” is what its all about.  I located the key box on the garage door, daintily pulled out my supra iPhone to open it, and voila…the lovely sound of a key box opening.

While working on my hair flip, I felt a mystic force at play as it pulled the black case holding the key right out of my hands and heard the sound of metal bouncing off cement.  Gasp! The sound was as horrible as a Justin Bieber Christmas song.  I watched in slow motion horror as the key did a perfect swan dive (easily a 10 by the judges)  into a deep dark abyss.  That really didn’t just happen, did it?  Don’t make me get on my hands and knees and ruin my Vera Wang or worse…break a nail!  I squatted down and swatted away the leaves in the crack thinking it probably did a nice soft landing on the leaves.  Couldn’t see the key.  Probably need to take my Versace shades off, I thought.

Must. Maintain. My. Elegance.  There were only words of Glee entering my head at this point and I almost broke out in song.  I casually cleared away the leaves trying to find where the key had landed.   As I don’t subscribe to the Boy Scouts motto of be prepared as that is for lesser agents, I wasn’t prepared.  What’s up with the Boy Scouts making me feel guilty at a time like this?  I vowed never to buy any more of that really good chocolate covered popcorn from them, no matter how cute or nice they look.  Someone had to pay for this force of evil that had me looking like a frantic Lindsey Lohan digging for crystal.  No way I was calling the listing agent to grovel and tell them I dropped a key in a crack black hole leading to Middle Earth.  Glamorous agents don’t do that.

Little did I realize that my buyer clients were a walking Ace Hardware.  I was handed Leathermans complete with needle nose pliers to grab the key. The key was too far down and the pliers too big.   Two more tools later, I still didn’t have it.    Thwarted.     I had to suck it up and walk miles, you know the “I walked 10 miles in the arctic blizzard to go to school when I was a kid” kind of miles,  in my stiletto Jimmy Choos to a neighbors house to see if they had a hook I could borrow.  I sheepishly knocked on the door as I said “I’m a really cool and amazingly glamorous real estate agent.  Forget everything else I’m about to tell you after that, okay?”  Armed with a long camping stake and cursing the days of my youth where I failed to win at Operation,  I was able to snag the key after several attempts and pull it out.  My Precious.

With key firmly grasped in my palm, we walked into the house.  The highly unpleasant scent greeted us and despite my best efforts to convince them that a house with a kitchen was a good buy, they wanted to leave.   30 minutes digging out the key.  5 minutes touring the house.  1 minute spraying my hair with Aqua-net.

I truly lead the glamorous life.

I’m incredulous that in this current time of real estate turmoil, that the real estate industry didn’t make the top 5.  What’s up with that people?

The top 5 were

1. Computer Industry
2. Restaurant Industry
3. Internet Industry
4. Farming and Agriculture
5. Grocery Industry

” Beer Googles will have super cheap Frito Lays of their choosing and cheap beer.  It’s all good!”

Eat Salem has been chatting with local restaurateur David Rosales of La Capitale and Andaluz fame. I’m personally excited to attend the opening of his new restaurant Sockaroni at the new stadium. I think that David can probably make a better marinara sauce than I can buy at the store from Newman’s Own. It’ll be tough though, ’cause that’s good stuff. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that David can pull it off!

On the real estate side of things, those sky boxes are going to go up for sale as luxury condos. Developers aren’t worried about Salem’s sagging condo market. “Who doesn’t want to live in a sky box?” developers recently stated. “We’ll have some great standard features such as a Kegerator, Popcorn machine, Foosball table and beanbag chairs, and a high flow toilet.  We’re going to call them ConBoxes! The HOA dues will be really reasonable at $400 a month.”

We are also starting a PB&J cart just for our ConBox owners.  Grab your lunch as you head off to work.

Personally, I think the PB&J cart will rock the food cart scene. This truly is exciting news for the city of Salem, and you all know which lucky Salem real estate agent is going to list and sell those ConBoxes, right?  It is still a few years out from development, but you can go ahead and contact me now to make a reservation for your own ConBox.

Subject:  MLS

Dear Melinda,

I found you on Swillow and clicked through to your website.  I like your website and for an agent that’s saying something because most of them suck.  I like the house at 777 Lucky to Know Me Street and want you to send me the full MLS listing please.  I don’t need your help with the house; I just need the listing sheet.  Thank you for your kindness in advance.

P.S. Keep up the good work on the website.

Sincerely,

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 9:05 AM
Subject:  re: MLS

Hey Jim,

Thanks for stopping by my website and I’m glad you didn’t think it sucked.  I always strive to be a notch above completely worthless.    Unfortunately, I can only give you a copy of the client version of the MLS and can send that to you.  The full version has some confidential information, like phone numbers, showing instructions, etc. that I can’t share with you.  Would you like a copy of the client version?

Let me know if you would find that helpful.

P.S. I’m impressed that you were thinking of me at 3:05 in the morning.  Also the name is Melina.  Common mistake to call me Melinda.  Thanks.

Melina

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 10:05 AM
Subject:  re:  re: MLS

Melinda,

I don’t want the sanitized version of the MLS form. You agents all say that there is confidential information like seller’s phone numbers and showing instructions but I don’t believe it.   I know you realators are hoarding information and I have a right to see it.  So give me the full version. Top level clearance to whatever you get is all I’m asking.  How hard is that?  I thought you had half a brain, with your M. S. and everything. Don’t make me think otherwise.

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 5:05 PM
Subject:  My Half Brain

Jim,

I understand.  I would need your blood type and a copy of your most embarrassing high school photo in order to give you access to the private remarks. I had to give them a copy of me in my Fiddler on the Roof costume from high school, so they are serious about it.

P.S. I kinda like going by a different name. It’s cool to pretend I’m not me.  Since we are changing names here is it okay if I call you Jack?

Sincerely,

Melina aka Melinda

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 9:05 PM
Subject:  re: Your half brain

No Melina, you may not call me Jack.   It’s time to stop this propaganda going on with the real estate industry and get this information back into the hands of the public. It isn’t like you have any great secrets on there or anything, sheesh. Get over yourself, thinking you are all important and stuff with your “secret data.”  Just hand it over, already.

Jim, not Jack.

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 11:05 PM
Subject:  No Can Do

Dear Jim,

I understand your desire to see what I see, but the last time the full MLS sheet was placed in the hands of an unsuspecting consumer we had a minor problem:  the Oregon Statehouse caught on fire.  Since then, Realtors have been charged with protection of the MLS data. I’m sure you understand the need to not have our new statehouse catch on fire.  No one wants to see the gold man melt, especially since skinny jeans are back in style now.  He only looks fashionable every 20-30 years as styles recycle themselves, and we’re not sure how long that will last.  We don’t want to have to put bell bottoms back on him, you understand I’m sure.

Sincerely,

Melina

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>

To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2011 3:05 AM
Subject: Data

Just give me the data. What happened to the customer is always right?

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com
Date: Feb 14, 2011 9:05 AM
Subject: Happy Valentines Day

Jim,

The customer can’t be right about seeing ALL the MLS data because that would mean real estate agents have been wrong all these years and well…our egos can’t handle that.  So, look, here’s the real deal.  I know we say that those are showing instructions and worthless things like that, but the MLS really contains the secret plans for the Death Star.  I know you think that Star Wars is just a movie, but ssshhh…don’t tell anyone…it isn’t.  The NAR is building a Death Star as we speak and we’ve been entrusted with the plans.  REALTORS and realators alike are going to rule the world.  I’m sure you understand now why I can only send you the client detail sheet from the MLS.  I know you don’t want to be responsible for the destruction of mankind, unless you secretly know how to maneuver a TIE fighter.

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Sincerely,

Melina

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2011 11:05 AM
Subject: re: Happy Valentines Day

Melina,

You’re crazy.  Of course I don’t know how to fly a TIE fighter.  They aren’t real.

P.S. Nevermind

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2011 9:05 PM
Subject: Home Search

Jim,

I’m bummed you never learned how to fly a TIE fighter.  I was thinking it would be cool to know someone that had been in one.  Sorry, I couldn’t be more helpful to you during your I-only-want-your-help-with-the-data-home search.

P.S. Thanks for contacting me off my website and if you need a good Salem real estate agent, don’t hesitate to contact me back.  I’m here to help with the exception of private data on the MLS.

Melina

I think not.

That leaves just one man.

Sometimes it just has to be done. Someone has to step up to the task and take it on. In Salem Oregon, the answer is obvious.

Just in case you were sitting and home and wondering who the cheaters of the world are out there, rest assured that someone with way too much time on their hands had the exact same thought. I know I sit up at 3:00 in the morning just stressing about what professionals are most likely to cheat. You know…just one of those burning questions of mine.  Forget about figuring out whether a Twinkie really has a shelf life of 10 years, or whether or not Who is really on first, this is a question for the ages.  Thankfully, I don’t have to stress any longer as AshleyMadison.com, whose sole purpose it to help married people find other cheaters nice people to date, reviewed the accounts of their members.  So who cheats?

For Women:
1. Teachers
2. Stay-at-home Moms
3. Nurses
4. Administrative Assistants
5. Real Estate Agents

For Men:
1. Physicians
2. Police Officers
3. Lawyers
4. Real Estate Agents
5. Engineers

Yep, real estate agents made the top 5 for both men and women.   How cool is that?  Top 5.   No other profession can claim that distinction.  Now I know that real estate agents have often ranked low on surveys for being trustworthy, but hey…we finally made the top 5 for something.  I say stand up and be proud.  Awesome!

…okay, not really, but hey I’m cranky today because the time change is killing me,  and I thought this was pretty  funny.

Forget permits, flood plains, and zoning issues…nothing beats this agents knowledge of radiators.

Take today, for example…

First,  I, formally known as Melina Tomson but now known as “email bearer,” won a cool $2.5M in a lotto I never entered.  I was always taught that hard work would be rewarded, but apparently my mere existence in the universe will bring me millions today…how cool is that?

Then, I was contacted by a Colonel in the Sudanhese government wanting to invest in real estate, here in local Salem Oregon…how often does that happen? He must have read my blog!  That’s it!… All I have to do is give him my email address to start talking because the email address he used to contact me apparently isn’t the one he is looking for…I love selling real estate, sign me up for that!

I’m thinking I should email him back with my new email address of DoYouReallyThinkPeopleFallForThis@Tomsonburnham.com or StopSpammingMe@TomsonBurnham.com.  I’d use some 4 letter words in there, but I don’t want to offend any of you readers with my foul language…

Finally, not one, but two…man I rock, two!…emails from Hong Kong banks directed to me, so politely with “your kind attention,” about helping to launder assist in the placement of money here in the US.  Who can resist an email that asks for your “Kind Attention” on it.  Clearly not me…I can’t believe all these great people that want to use little ol’ me, here in Salem Oregon, to help them!  They really got me thinking of contacting them with that second email because they corrected the spelling errors from the first email they sent 5 minutes earlier.  Clearly, these are good people…

Anyway…all of these amazing opportunities have me reconsidering selling real estate here in Salem Oregon.  I don’t know…Doesn’t get much better than these choices…Where do you think my future lies…

What should I do?(answers)

That house for me, that house for me
I cannot find that house for me.

Would you like it
here or there?

Would you like it really old?  Would you like it plated gold?

Would you? Could you?
fix it up?

You may like it with a well?

A  short! A short!
A short! A short!
Could you, would you
try a short?

Say!
On the creek?
Here on the creek!
Would you, could you, on the creek?

I would not, could not,  on the creek.

Would you, could you, with this plan?

You do not like them. So you say.
Let’s look! Let’s look! And you may.
Let’s look and you may, I say.

A very funny, and if you are moving to the Scottsdale area in Arizona,  good real estate agent, Paul Slaybaugh had this stellar market report to share about his area…

Please feel free to read it here.  Make sure to leave a comment.  This just might be the best market report I’ve seen in a while…