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You can’t ask for better news than this! The Statesman Journal announced today that Salem kicked the yellow and green behind of Eugene and stole the Emeralds to our city. With a brand spanking new downtown stadium, even!  Complaints have already come in to the city regarding our city noise ordinance that requires that the city shut down by 7:00pm on Fridays and Saturdays. Local officials have reassured me that there won’t be any late night games.  Games will just be held on those increasing furlough days for state workers and will definitely be shut down by 7:00 so as not to ruin’s Salem’s reputation as a quiet city.

” Beer Googles will have super cheap Frito Lays of their choosing and cheap beer.  It’s all good!”

Eat Salem has been chatting with local restaurateur David Rosales of La Capitale and Andaluz fame. I’m personally excited to attend the opening of his new restaurant Sockaroni at the new stadium. I think that David can probably make a better marinara sauce than I can buy at the store from Newman’s Own. It’ll be tough though, ’cause that’s good stuff. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that David can pull it off!

On the real estate side of things, those sky boxes are going to go up for sale as luxury condos. Developers aren’t worried about Salem’s sagging condo market. “Who doesn’t want to live in a sky box?” developers recently stated. “We’ll have some great standard features such as a Kegerator, Popcorn machine, Foosball table and beanbag chairs, and a high flow toilet.  We’re going to call them ConBoxes! The HOA dues will be really reasonable at $400 a month.”

We are also starting a PB&J cart just for our ConBox owners.  Grab your lunch as you head off to work.

Personally, I think the PB&J cart will rock the food cart scene. This truly is exciting news for the city of Salem, and you all know which lucky Salem real estate agent is going to list and sell those ConBoxes, right?  It is still a few years out from development, but you can go ahead and contact me now to make a reservation for your own ConBox.

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 3:05 AM

Subject:  MLS

Dear Melinda,

I found you on Swillow and clicked through to your website.  I like your website and for an agent that’s saying something because most of them suck.  I like the house at 777 Lucky to Know Me Street and want you to send me the full MLS listing please.  I don’t need your help with the house; I just need the listing sheet.  Thank you for your kindness in advance.

P.S. Keep up the good work on the website.

Sincerely,

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 9:05 AM
Subject:  re: MLS

Hey Jim,

Thanks for stopping by my website and I’m glad you didn’t think it sucked.  I always strive to be a notch above completely worthless.    Unfortunately, I can only give you a copy of the client version of the MLS and can send that to you.  The full version has some confidential information, like phone numbers, showing instructions, etc. that I can’t share with you.  Would you like a copy of the client version?

Let me know if you would find that helpful.

P.S. I’m impressed that you were thinking of me at 3:05 in the morning.  Also the name is Melina.  Common mistake to call me Melinda.  Thanks.

Melina

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 10:05 AM
Subject:  re:  re: MLS

Melinda,

I don’t want the sanitized version of the MLS form. You agents all say that there is confidential information like seller’s phone numbers and showing instructions but I don’t believe it.   I know you realators are hoarding information and I have a right to see it.  So give me the full version. Top level clearance to whatever you get is all I’m asking.  How hard is that?  I thought you had half a brain, with your M. S. and everything. Don’t make me think otherwise.

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 5:05 PM
Subject:  My Half Brain

Jim,

I understand.  I would need your blood type and a copy of your most embarrassing high school photo in order to give you access to the private remarks. I had to give them a copy of me in my Fiddler on the Roof costume from high school, so they are serious about it.

P.S. I kinda like going by a different name. It’s cool to pretend I’m not me.  Since we are changing names here is it okay if I call you Jack?

Sincerely,

Melina aka Melinda

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 9:05 PM
Subject:  re: Your half brain

No Melina, you may not call me Jack.   It’s time to stop this propaganda going on with the real estate industry and get this information back into the hands of the public. It isn’t like you have any great secrets on there or anything, sheesh. Get over yourself, thinking you are all important and stuff with your “secret data.”  Just hand it over, already.

Jim, not Jack.

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 13, 2011 11:05 PM
Subject:  No Can Do

Dear Jim,

I understand your desire to see what I see, but the last time the full MLS sheet was placed in the hands of an unsuspecting consumer we had a minor problem:  the Oregon Statehouse caught on fire.  Since then, Realtors have been charged with protection of the MLS data. I’m sure you understand the need to not have our new statehouse catch on fire.  No one wants to see the gold man melt, especially since skinny jeans are back in style now.  He only looks fashionable every 20-30 years as styles recycle themselves, and we’re not sure how long that will last.  We don’t want to have to put bell bottoms back on him, you understand I’m sure.

Sincerely,

Melina

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>

To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2011 3:05 AM
Subject: Data

Just give me the data. What happened to the customer is always right?

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com
Date: Feb 14, 2011 9:05 AM
Subject: Happy Valentines Day

Jim,

The customer can’t be right about seeing ALL the MLS data because that would mean real estate agents have been wrong all these years and well…our egos can’t handle that.  So, look, here’s the real deal.  I know we say that those are showing instructions and worthless things like that, but the MLS really contains the secret plans for the Death Star.  I know you think that Star Wars is just a movie, but ssshhh…don’t tell anyone…it isn’t.  The NAR is building a Death Star as we speak and we’ve been entrusted with the plans.  REALTORS and realators alike are going to rule the world.  I’m sure you understand now why I can only send you the client detail sheet from the MLS.  I know you don’t want to be responsible for the destruction of mankind, unless you secretly know how to maneuver a TIE fighter.

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Sincerely,

Melina

From: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
To: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2011 11:05 AM
Subject: re: Happy Valentines Day

Melina,

You’re crazy.  Of course I don’t know how to fly a TIE fighter.  They aren’t real.

P.S. Nevermind

Jim

From: Melina Tomson <melina@tomsonburnham.com>
To: Jim <Jim@IDon’tNeedNoStinkinRealators.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2011 9:05 PM
Subject: Home Search

Jim,

I’m bummed you never learned how to fly a TIE fighter.  I was thinking it would be cool to know someone that had been in one.  Sorry, I couldn’t be more helpful to you during your I-only-want-your-help-with-the-data-home search.

P.S. Thanks for contacting me off my website and if you need a good Salem real estate agent, don’t hesitate to contact me back.  I’m here to help with the exception of private data on the MLS.

Melina

If your house ain’t selling
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
Housebusters?

I think not.

That leaves just one man.

Sometimes it just has to be done. Someone has to step up to the task and take it on. In Salem Oregon, the answer is obvious.